Thursday, March 20, 2008
Emotional Bank Accounts and the Power of Deposits
Bank accounts are a really good metaphor for relationships. In this context a deposit is as simple as doing something thoughtful that is relevant to the other person. A withdrawal, as you might imagine is that thing you do that pushes someone’s buttons or causes them anxiety.
Did anyone ever teach you how to write a check or make a deposit as apart of your education? If so, you were one of the lucky ones. Most of us just bumble along and learn on our own. We all know how wonderful it is to make deposits – after all, deposits allow us to take care of all our needs and wants. Withdrawals are more painful and can sometimes be very much more challenging.
Bank accounts are a really good metaphor for relationships as well. In this context a deposit is as simple as doing something thoughtful that is relevant to the other person. A withdrawal, as you might imagine is that thing you do that pushes someone’s buttons or causes them anxiety.
It’s obvious that in our personal lives we frequently either please or disappoint our spouses, significant others, children, parents etc. In our business lives the same is true with partners, peers, direct reports and others. Think about creating this new way of thinking about your interactions – what might you do to make deposits with your child or your business partner? What difference would this make to how they feel when you make withdrawals by not being on time with a report or showing up late for a school play? You certainly want to have a positive balance in your emotional bank account!
What follows is an example of how I found a great way to communicate this life lesson to one of my children.
The morning after Thanksgiving I got a call from my youngest son, who may prefer to remain nameless in this story. He had left his truck at home and needed a ride home from his girlfriend’s house. His girl had already left for work and so I asked him a question that caught him somewhat off guard – I asked if he made the bed. His answer was “no” (of course not) and so I suggested that he do so before I picked him up and that I’d explain why when he got in the car.
My son is a finance and accounting major at USC and is a very smart young man, so I decided to seize this opportunity as he was captive in my car. What an opportunity to clue him in about relationships in a way that would make sense to him.
Here is what I shared:
When you stay at the fraternity house on the weekend and your girl is alone on a Saturday night, you are making a withdrawal from her emotional bank account. When you just made the bed though, it was a huge deposit. I am sure she will come home and be totally enamored with how thoughtful you are.
Your job is to look for those opportunities to make deposits. You will always make plenty of withdrawals without even knowing it.
As he nodded at me, I knew that I made my point.
What deposits do YOU need to make today?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Treat Your Children Like Your Best Clients
Learn how to make time for your family while you are busy achieving and performing in the workplace.
In this fast paced busy world it becomes very easy to postpone things that really matter to us. We can always take that ski trip next year, or go to the school play next time. Work takes over and life gets postponed. If we are lucky, we get some type of wake up call that causes us to stop and reflect – and perhaps redesign our life so that we can have it all.
One of my high performing clients felt stressed and burnt out and agonized frequently about missing out on time with his seven year old son. At the speed at which life was moving his son might be going to college before he had time for some quality conversations and time on the slopes. I asked him this question: “What would change if you treated your son as you would your most valued client”?
It was an A-ha moment!
Here is how this might work. What happens when a client wants to schedule something with you? You check your calendar and the answer is either “Yes, I can do that” or “I wish I could, but would Thursday work instead?”
Now, try this – when you would like to plan a ski trip or an outing for the day – when someone wants to meet with you, say you are booked! After all, your son or daughter is waiting….
I have considered whether this is an ethical approach but to my way of thinking, if you are delivering on expectations, then this is a fair trade. It is unfortunate that it’s such a struggle to carve out family time. For women, wanting to go to a child’s event at school might give the message that she is not devoted to her job. But if she herself is comfortable that she is giving her best by working smart, then perhaps she will be more motivated, satisfied, and recharged by showing up at the school event.
The message is – design your life the way you want it – life is short and you can choose to have it all. Treat those you care about, including yourself, as a valued client for a week (starting now) and see how much more joy you’ll create for yourself.
